The Road to Toontown by Gary K. Wolf

Author:Gary K. Wolf [Wolf, Gary K.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 0101-01-01T00:00:00+00:00

Goulash dipped stiffly from the waist. He was encased from head to toe in a plastic body cast. A system of hydraulic lines running to hinges built into his neck, arms, legs and waist controlled his movements.

“How did you survive a two-story fall,” wondered Freddie.

“Ah, my child, the Lord works in mysterious ways. Directly below that window, on that ill-fated day, a group of local rabble were parading around for their heathen cause. A scurrilous movement to ban certain types of…” he blushed, “…clothing on the planet. Clothing which I, personally, feel to be an absolute moral necessity. Those protesters had, only moments before, thrown a large collection of this…clothing into a huge heap suitable for burning. At that precise moment, I took my rather unfortunate vertical pilgrimage. Who would have believed that the Lord, with typically apropos rationale, would see fit to cushion his humble servant’s fall with anything so intrinsically virtuous as a pile of brassieres?”

Jerkily, he made his body cast bounce his head side to side apologetically. “I’m terribly sorry if, in my joyous exuberance, my purely accidental frankness concerning the, exact nature of this…clothing, offended any of you here present, particularly the lady.” His cast stiffened. “Enough spellbinding anecdotes about my personal salvation at the hands of the Almighty. Right now, in my role as a small but significant pinkie finger on the Lord’s right hand of justice, I have a much more prosaic function to fulfill.”

He cleared his throat. “Let me see if He’s reached a verdict yet.” He put his fingers to his temple and concentrated. He twisted his head slightly from time to time as if to improve reception. “It’s coming. Yes, it’s coming. Here it is.” His face dropped. “Oh, my. I am sorry. I don’t suppose I could persuade You to change Your mind?” He shook his head. “I didn’t think so.” He clasped his hands around the vibrator. “I’m afraid He’s found you all guilty.”

“Would it be too much of an imposition for you to ask Him what we’re guilty of?” said Sal.

“Not at all.” He tuned in again. “He says you’re all guilty of disrespecting one of His earthly disciples.” Goulash curtsied stiffly. “He’s very strict about that.”

“No respect?” chimed in Sal. “You’re totally mistaken. All the respect anyone else ever had for you before is only a grain of sand in the desert of respect I have for you now. Only a snowflake in the…”

Weevil cut her off. “I am a very important egg-sec-u-tiff. More than able to scratch your back if you should scratch mine.”

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